Ache to Connect

But Never Making a Bond

Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10

This week I am returning to one of my favorite places in the entire world: a small monastery in the countryside in Surrey, England.

Four years ago, when I decided I wanted to write a book on Joy, I spent a full solo month in England. I gave myself an arbitrary challenge, to keep to a 3k budget; travel, accommodations, and food all for under 3k. (I went over 200 because I got a ticket for boarding the wrong train) I used points for my flight, ate very little and stayed mostly at religious houses during my stay. I changed locations each week so I wouldn’t outwear my welcome and see a bit more of the country since all I was doing was praying, writing and taking long walks.

The second week of that trip, I stayed at St Augustine’s in Chilworth. I’ve been staying with Benedictines for nearly 25 years but never had I been so incorporated into the daily life of the monastery as I was in Chilworth. There are just about a dozen monks (one has been added since my visit) and four guest rooms. The monastery is nestled in the Surrey countryside, an hour south of London by car. These lands were set apart from development in Victorian days to be the “lungs” of London’s industrialization. It would not be a stretch to say, this place changed my life.

My experience that week birthed many of the essays in my book Undaunted Joy: The Revolutionary Act of Cultivating Delight. And it opened a deeper connection with Christ that I yearn for. I returned to the monastery that following year, and then again, last year with my oldest teen son. I wanted him to know that he can turn to Benedictines and the liturgy when he gets stuck in life, when he needs to discern a life path or when he simply needs renewal in his life. He enjoyed it so much, he said we should have stayed longer.

So this year I am. I am staying a day longer with my younger teen son.

I need a reset. I’ve grown languid; in my thoughts and in my deeds. I am sometimes grumpy and ungrateful. I’ve taken to drinking a second martini in the evenings. My weight is high and my creativity is low. I need a new perspective.

There is no reliable cell coverage or WIFI. Even writing those words, I ache to disconnect. I am absolutely broken by the longing to connect but never actually bonding.

I am longing for the quiet and the power of the WORD prayed eight times a day. I am longing for lovely afternoon conversations with my host monk, Dom Andrew and Dom John’s food that nourishes more than just a body. I am hoping for pleasant weather to take a few long walks in the farmland. And now that I have been there so many times, some of the people in the surrounding villages have become dear friends. I look forward to sharing meals, tea, walks and chats.

I desire Presence. Yes, Christ’s not only in Himself, but in His Body.

The refrain from Psalm 51 returns to me: Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

May I return pure and steadfast.

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